Setting boundaries with friends when you are in a relationship is hard, and they always come as a surprise for your friends since these boundaries weren’t there before.
Some of them should be in place before you are in a relationship, but it’s not easy to set boundaries when you are single and want and need to spend time with your friends. It is also hard to realize that they are crossing some boundaries since you are friends, and things sometimes can go unnoticed when we are emotionally attached. However, we can be surprised how many boundaries are crossed with someone new to the group(your partner) takes a closer look.
That is why in this article, I will list a few boundaries that I consider necessary for friends when they are in a relationship.
Four boundaries to set up with friends when in a relationship.
I will list here four boundaries to set with friends while you are in a relationship. There can be more or less depending on everyone’s friends and partners.
1. Time boundaries.
The most important thing that changes for you and your friends while one of you is in a relationship is how much free time to hang out with friends you have from now on. I have an entire article about hanging out with friends while in a relationship here.
That article talks about how often people hang out with friends when they have a partner, what friends should understand, what the partner should understand, and so on.
It will be different at different ages since it depends if you have a job or not, if you are in school or not and so on but one thing is for sure, the time you spend with your friends will not be the same since you have to spend time with your partner as well.
When it comes to time spent with friends, we don’t talk only about the time you hang out with them but also about the time spent on the phone and messaging them. If you and your friends are used to sending a lot of messages, that can be a bit annoying while you are in a relationship. Imagine staying with your partner and having a chill time, and your phone keeps going off.
Your partner is like a new best friend that you have to spend time with, and also, the need to hang out with your friends might reduce when you are in a good and healthy relationship.
Read Also: Five Tips For Couples Working Together
2. Proximity boundaries
This one, for some people, is not so clear. I talk about how close and how touchy you are with your friends, especially if we talk about the opposite sex friends, and also how close your friends will stay to your partner.
Don’t understand me wrong, I’m an extrovert and a hugger. I always hug my friends when I see them, and with some friends, we might kiss on the cheeks if the relationship is closer. My wife is not exactly like me, she once told a few friends that she doesn’t like all the hugs and kisses, so everyone is different, and that is fine.
However, I’m talking more about how close physically you are sitting to other opposite-sex friends and your friends to your partner, if they almost or actually touch each other when they sit at the table, that can be too much. It is not that I’m jealous, for me, it is more about respect and intimate distance.
Once, I argued with my brother because he was sitting way too close to my ex-girlfriend. I knew he had no bad intentions, but he is usually very clingy, and I felt like he stayed closer to her than me, which is a bit much.
So setting these boundaries from the beginning is a good thing to do. Of course, you can’t talk about this without reason because it will be weird.
Also, you should talk about this type of boundaries with your partner first if you notice that something makes you feel uncomfortable.
It will be much better to set this type of boundaries with your friends and your partner and feel relaxed when you hang out with them than cutting the time you spend with them when your partner is with you because you are uncomfortable.
3. Communication boundaries.
There are things that friends should understand when your partner is around about how they talk with you.
It is not that you have to be fake or something like that, but many times friends are used to sharing old embarrassing stories, and some of them don’t need to get to your partner’s ears. It is a sign of respect to not talk badly about a person in front of their partner, that doesn’t mean that you can joke or make a bit of fun of each other, but there should be a limit.
So, some of your memories should remain between you as friends, not shared with all new people in the group.
Talking badly about your partner is also a no-no, especially because they don’t know your partner as well as you do. This often happens with couples that have this habit of complaining a lot about their partners when they meet with their friends.
Some of your couple’s problems should remain between you two, not all of them need to be shared with your friends. This way, they will think your relationship is bad and feel entitled to talk badly about it. So make sure you do your part before setting boundaries in this direction.
You should be open to your friends about your relationship, but the thing is that many times we overstate what actually happened, and we always shape the story in our favor.
When you add that people usually don’t share the good things about their partner and don’t compliment them in public and other things like that, it’s easy to understand why friends can talk badly about your partner.
You should stand up for your partner even when he/she is not present.
Read Also: Venting To Friends About Relationship – Is It Good Or Bad?
4. Not all platonic friendships are actually platonic
There are friends that can swear that they have a platonic relationship with the opposite gender’s friends but might end up surprised that one of them had other feelings.
I know a few examples of that, I was in one of those one time, and I had no idea. Some of them are hiding pretty well and are very patient.
One thing that is safe to do to in this direction is to not hang out with the opposite gender friend alone, don’t go out just two of you, go with them only when you go with the group even if your partner might not be there. This is the best solution I can think of to guarantee your partner that you really believe that it is just a platonic relationship.
One red flag in a friendship that you think is platonic but is not is the fact that your friend never likes the person you are dating, or you are in a relationship with.
What to do when your friends don’t respect your boundaries?
The first thing you can do is to talk nicely about those boundaries, especially when you think they crossed them, this way you let them know that you want them to respect those boundaries.
If they still don’t respect the boundaries you have set, you can have a more intense discussion with them about those to really let them know how you see the situation.
If they still don’t respect these boundaries, you can stop hanging out with them since this is a sign of them not respecting your opinion and what is important to you.
Read Also: Surface-Level Friendship
Conclusion
There are boundaries that must be set with friends and parents sometimes when you are in a relationship. That’s ok, if you have friends that respect you, they should respect the boundaries you set to make sure you don’t have a reason not to hang out with them anymore.
Your partner might become the person that knows you best since in a marriage is the person you spend most of your time with, so they must get along pretty well with your friends. Don’t treat this lightly, especially if you consider that you are in a stable relationship with actual future plans.
